I sat in my car crying. I screamed in anger and from helplessness. This happened on Sunday, I had enough, I could take the pain no more. I was ready to give up, to disappear. I had enough of life with depression. Not yet, not now depression. F u bitch. I will fight until one of us will give up.

It’s been more than 18 months since I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I wrote this several times already. Why? Because this is important. When I finally decided to get some help, reach out to mental health specialist I had an idea in my head. I said to myself: You will take meds for six months, maybe a year and you will slowly work on reducing doses. This was in my head. We got March and my mental health deteriorated so badly that I felt lost in my own life and I found myself in a bloody dark place.

I was ready to give up, one day after dropping off my kids to their mum, I drove home literally weeping. When I got onto my driveway I sat for over 20 minutes crying, shouting in anger and pain. I couldn’t take this pain any more. I was looking for options, some exit plan. I thought about kids, Klaudia, my work and I managed to put myself together. It worked.

Crying, I left my car, I went home and sat in silence. People with depression don’t want to finish their life, they really want the pain and suffering to end. I wanted my unbelievable suffering to end, I wanted to understand why I feel this way.

I made a decision to go back to Community Psychiatric Nurse, we had an honest chat. I really didn’t understand why my mental health deteriorating so badly. We have been weighing our options. I have depression and so far I was on 150mg of Sertraline. To change meds I would have to gradually go down which could have a disastrous effect and with leaving the lowest dose I would have to start new meds gradually which would take me another 6 weeks to kick in and settle down. I can’t afford it, I would have to take off at least two months knowing how my body responds to meds.

If life with depression is not enough…

For the past two years, I also experience heavy headaches, they are massive. I can’t even focus on anything. So, I went to Ear, Nose and Throat Clinic at least 4 times, nothing. I got CT, camera up to my nose, nothing has been found. I’m constantly under the weather, catching infection after infection. So, what the doctor did? I got prescribed Amitriptyline – medication is used to treat mental/mood problems such as depression. It may help improve mood and feelings of well-being, relieve anxiety and tension, help you sleep better, and increase your energy level. This medication belongs to a class of medications called tricyclic antidepressants which are prescribed as a strong painkiller.

I took it after some heavy headache and I was gone. I slept for 11 hours and I couldn’t wake up. I was falling asleep in the office, literally, I was falling asleep in my car. This was unbelievable. I became so groggy that I could not focus on anything. After 3 days taking these meds, I stopped.

So, I and CPN agreed to up my antidepressants to the maximum level of 200mg and that I will take Amitriptyline only in case of heavy pain.

It made me feel even worse, why? Cos it wasn’t something I anticipated, I wanted to go down with dosages, go forward and start living without meds and depression had other plans. It crushed me badly on top of me feeling proper shit mentally.
I have an amazing support, I wish to feel better but it ain’t happening.

I worry, about my mental health, what if it will deteriorate more and I will lose my sanity and I will no longer be safe to myself? We need to talk about depression, depression is a bitch. Let’s talk about it. ok?

Wish me luck, guys. I need it, really.