Last decade changed me. If you would tell me 10 years ago, that I will be at this place in my life I would laugh at you. I know a lot about my mental health, my dreams, I am self-aware.
My actions made me who I am, my mistakes made me realise how much I can loose, my future is in my hand.
I lost many battles, but so far I’m winning in the game of life.
2020 is coming, The older I get, the more I think about my past, present and the future. I am more aware of my mental health, state of my mind, thoughts, levels of anxiety. For most of my life, I wasn’t aware of the impact of my mental health on my everyday life. I assumed that being unhappy or feeling extremely low, is just the way how we feel sometimes.
Now I know that my mental health was deteriorating, my upbringing and neglect of my own health during my teenage years made me pretty unstable. On the top of that, I went through an episode with drugs, later detox and rehab, heavy alcohol abuse. Living day by day, with no money, relying on good people, feeling self-loathe for most of my days, being difficult in my relationships, not realising that I need help and if I will continue to neglect my mental health I will push myself to suicide. It happened.
I tried 3 times, thought about ending my life at least once a month since I became a teenager.
I didn’t fit, I wasn’t getting good grades, nothing was getting into my head. I tried really really hard and I could not keep anything in my head. I was bullied, picked on as kid of deaf parents, poor and wearing old or well-used clothes. I remember a few times my dad had to use old bread to feed us. On top of that, I was quite often subjected to the anger of my father. I know, he meant well, wanted to teach me a lesson or two but getting battered with a belt, or electric lead wasn’t something I can forget. I did forgive him a long time ago, loved him and I know that he was proud of me when I got the courage to leave my home when I was 16 and move to London just as 23 years old man. Year after, we lost him to cancer. Loved him a lot.
Later, both of my kids were born, at some point, we moved to Edinburgh, soon after my son was diagnosed with autism and developmental delay, which had a huge impact on our family. This was another turning point in my existence, I reevaluated my life, went to college, wrote my first book about our journey through autism, started blogging and changed my career path. I focused on my family, wanted to help others. Rebuild broken relationships with family and became more aware of my children’s needs.
A few years later even more things changed, we decided to move on with our marriage, became co-parents who raising children in two homes, kept our relationship healthy and civil. Always focusing on the wellbeing of children and their needs, so different for each of them. Sometime later I met my amazing partner and got my dream job.
I am so lucky. I work for amazing charitable organisation Children 1st, it’s been a privilege to be part of my team and I admire families I work with. Each day I feel lucky to be able to know their stories and support them as we all trying to do what’s best for children. My team is amazing, my families inspiring and I am always learning a lot from them. Each family’s story is different, each family got different dynamics and each family is absolutely unique. I am lucky enough to be able to share some of my experience, learn a lot about them and look together for hope.
Looking back, I can see many changes, I am actually surprised that I am still relatively sane and stable.
Each day, I battle my depression and anxiety, each day I am lucky to be here and be able to share my story. If this will help one person – I believe it’s worth it. For me, this is a form of self-care, therapy and offloading which helps my mental health. I think I found my own way of bettering my illness.
My kids will grow, start their own journey and my plan is to live at outskirts of some city, be closer to nature, live much more self sustainable. I will spend my evenings writing books and blogs, reading amazing stories and looking into the sky. I want to be present, share kindness and be free from the everyday race. I’m really looking forward to my retirement if of course, I will be lucky to live to.
Last ten years have been crazy, last 20 even more but I’m looking forward to the future as so far I learned that I have this strange ability to bounce back from any setbacks or lows in my life. I hope that I will continue my humble journey through another 40 years at least.
Welcome, 2020. I’m happy that you’re here.