It’s time to wrap up 2019 and look into the past 12 months. It was a year full of surprises, highs, many days of lows and fight to stay alive. I did it, we did it. We grew together and learned a lot. Come and be part of this and accept my thank you.
This year I made many significant changes in my way of thinking, self-care which didn’t exist before, I can say that I made changes on every single level of everyday life. My life, and if I helped, supporter, inspired one person it is a bloody bonus. I’m happy with it, will take it.
Everybody is running after perfect life, I used to take a part in this chase. Not any more. You know why? I made many fuck ups, I made many bad decisions in my life. Addiction, careless living, some dumb shit but I learned from it. I took the hit and moved on with it and grow from it. I will do many more mistakes in my life, my life will throw things at me to deal with as of some historic situation, but I will take it. I will fight with it and live my life one day at the time.
Changes of 2019
I became even more attuned to them and focused on our relationships, I am able to listen to them more than ever and hear what they say. Bond with my children is huge, attunement even bigger. My children wanted to spend less time in our house, they used to stay for the last three years, 3 to 4 nights a week. They grow tired of travelling, they have a need to be more often with mum, they need her much more now. For many reasons and I do understand it. I’m not making a big deal about it, I don’t try to win them buying them stuff. I accept this hard reality and I am visiting them twice a week and taking them over on Saturday afternoon till Evening on Sunday. This is what they want, this is what I need to do. You can call me a mug, I do not care. Your opinion about this is irrelevant, I know what my children need and what they experiencing. This is called love and understanding, partnership and good relationships with parents. This is ultimate love.
I stopped hiding my depression and anxiety. I got tuned with inner me, learned to recognise the signs of incoming low days and not panicking. I am able to read myself much more and I know what to do, where to go, who to talk to. I set up in my head pretty good self-care routine throughout 2019. I have my friends, partner, friends, colleagues to check on me, I am able to say – I am not good today, instead of putting on a brave face that I am alright. If I’m not, I will tell you. I’m writing about it here, share my thoughts on social media, support others, be involved in mental health debate and not being ashamed of it. I grew, I am sick, but I don’t need to hide it, I fight with it and have my dignity to speak loud about the struggle.
Since the end of October we stopped eating meat. I was thinking about it for a long time, wanted to improve my health and levels of energy in everyday life. Antidepressant’s making me tired and sucking out energy from me. After all blood tests possible and good results I decided to stop eating meat. For my health, for carbon footprint and for my mental state. It helps me. So it’s worth it.
I accepted my flaws, my past and build on it. I accepted my depression, anxiety, past relationships and that some people moving on. I moved on. I used to struggle, I still do from time to time, but instead of hiding it all, I am taking it and breaking apart and I talk about it. Don’t get me wrong, I am fragile as hell, but I can make the right choices. I accepted who I am and I embraced every mistake as it made me who I am today. I know who I am – immigrant, homie, Scott, rock n roller, humble friend and father. Loving life person.
I’am really looking forward to 2020, as I can take it day by day and learn new things, get more connected with myself and others and grow even more.
I have my space here. I was blogging only in Polish for a few years, successfully and I had this feeling of – this ain’t right. I have to let go, move on. I will still write on my old blog, but I will not really push hard on it. I love this place as I love my Polish blog, but many things are irrelevant as I left my old country 15 years ago, I love to be able to change the perception of things talking about the UK and share my views. I don’t want to be an influencer, I want to be able to offload here and share.
I am more present, for my kids, my partner, my work, myself. I feel so lucky to do what I do work-wise. I love my work to bits, I love Children 1st to bits and I hope that it will stay like that for long. I spend more and better quality time with kids, travelling and being more often in the Scottish Highlands, being around friends, this helps me. I can see it and I’m trying not to neglect it, I am not a superman, so I can’t act like one. true?
I feel that I grown in my practice, I am able to recognise when I struggle and address it. Talk to my beloved team, share, support them and take advice. I have amazing people around me. This is my dream job and we all developed this project, from 2 days a week to a full-time operation with a waiting list and it crushes my heart. Waiting list man. I would like to jump in there and support them all, but I learned to understand, that I can’t do that, I can’t do more than I’m doing. I do care, I do love and want to change peoples lives as this helps me to see things, learn and grow. I am so lucky, Team, Children 1st, Cattanach Trust- Thank You.
I could write much more, as I’ve changed in so many levels but I want to be present, I want to live and not just write about it. I would like to be inspired, be here and there. I am here for myself and for you. Bring it in 2020, lest inspire each other and look for connection and be kind to each other. This is my wish for 2020.