Divorce or separation ain’t easy. For parents, and children. In today’s world, it’s nothing unusual and many families co-parenting well. At the same time, we live in the society fast decisions, pushed to the limits, being thrown into a war with ourselves and sometimes our kids are literally holding a rifle.
This is all linked with our emotional development. The main point is to be able to be responsible and think about the wellbeing of your children and young people first.
No matter in what circumstances we are getting divorced, we will always be parents and parenting goes with rights, but also responsibilities. Parents quite often forget about this part of this deal. Divorce shouldn’t be a war, children and young people are not ready to hold accountable for our mistakes and sent into the fight with life literally or metaphorically.
In our life, all around we can hear about horrible divorces, tens separations and even more about bad marriages.
Our parents, friends, distant family members or neighbours. Divorce or breaking down relationships are not unusual anymore. We live in a world of fast decisions, irresponsible teens, being asked to choose their future, career, life. It’s the norm.
From the scientific point of view, we make our world of everyday choices irresponsible and this is not making any sense. Why? Let me tell you:
Around the age of 15, we are asked to choose a school, our path in life. Deciding what college, later on, uni and career we will pursue.
In some cases, young men taking up army careers, young as 18, some with unresolved life long issues of parental neglect, maybe alcohol misuse or just young – going to the strict environment, getting thrown into the machine creating soldiers and sent for deployment – some of them are 20, some a bit older. They are expected to fight, to make fast and good decisions and they live day by day in stress and are exposed to unbelievable pressure – yet we ok with that, knowing that our brains are fully developed and we can make best decisions, resolve problems reaching the age of 25.
In short, we hand out guns to young people who can’t really resolve the simple argument and yet, this is ok to give them a rifle and send them for missions. I’m not questioning the moral wrong or rights of sending troops abroad, I am not into politics, but I believe that we should think more about the wellbeing of people around us.
As a young people we tend to think that we should marry quick, date since 14, have sex from 16 and often have kids with our partner after 22 onwards. When our brains are not wired properly, our emotions still very unbalanced, breaking up relationships, families around the age of 25 onwards where we should start making the right decisions. In today’s world, being 30 and single is a sign of being weird or totally crazy. We all should start thinking about kids at this age, prior to having a good relationship with your other half.
Physically we develop quite fast, technology is taking over our minds and communication. We getting disconnected from each other and with our primary drive. We grow anxious and we are unable to cope with our emotions.
Divorce is always hard on children – it’s no two ways about it, but it might be different when we have two grown-ups, who understand the importance of making sure that their children come first, their wellbeing, their emotional stability. Above all arguments, disagreements, blaming games, who did what. Try to keep this away from children. Try to use mediation services if necessary, especially at the beginning when emotions are raw and buzzing.
Sometimes being co-parents its hard, I love my kids to bits, after two years of co-parenting, having them 3 to 4 nights a week, holidays 50/50, somehow my children want just to be at mine over the weekend only and they both want me to visit them at their mums. I could be upset, I could be angry. I could, but this would be insane.
As a dad, as a parent, I have my rights, but mostly I have responsibilities, which means that I have to listen to my own children. If they have a need to spend more time with mum, if they grew tired of travelling between houses I have to listen to them and provide with solutions which make them happy.
It’s hard, my heart bleeds but it’s just me, It’s not important how I feel, I can work this out but my children need to feel listened, cared for, in the centre. It’s not easy, but trust me. This is the only way of reducing the impact of parents separation. When children asking questions and blaming themselves for a breakdown of their parent’s relationship, fearing that soon another parent also will move out. When your world is changing, their world is collapsing and is filled with insecurity impacting their wellbeing and emotional development.
Yet, we want children to grow up, be responsible when society is not changing the approach to life and canons of everyday life.