I am not doing well. I need to admit it. Coronavirus and everything that’s going on around us makes me anxious as never before. I do not watch the news, don’t really follow how many more people getting infected but yet, the level of my anxiety is going through the roof and I can’t do anything about it.
On Friday we decided to get away, I was working from home whole week and I became overload with it all. 4 walls, kitchen, bed, desk, bathroom, corridor. I was losing it, claustrophobia got to me big time, everyone on social media posting horror stories from Italy and I felt that is no escape from it. We booked a cheap hotel room in Dingwall and we decided to go through Cairngorms National Park, somewhere halfway throughout the trip we got a flat tire. In the middle of nowhere, with no spare and nearest garage 40 miles away.
We managed to go through the amazing landscape, we stopped a few times to take pictures and to fly our drone. I feel happy, alive. Outdoors, highlands, moors, lochs are giving me inside peace. As soon we returned I felt like I have been suffocating, uneasy, out of place. Our patchwork family, we had a blast this weekend. We played board games, chess, Maks made his own pizza from scratch, Livia and I have been watching The Mask cuddled.
I don’t watch the news but my wall is full of Covid19 related stories. On Friday I suppose to be visiting a breakfast TV show in Poland and talk about my life, being a dad, book, but due to the lockdown, I couldn’t attend. At least from show nicely asked me to do a long interview through Skype. Maks was sitting next to me, also Liv. I love those natural moments where things are happening, the world is moving forward but we continuing to live our ordinary lives.
I don’t feel safe, I don’t know what to do, I feel stuck. I love my job, my kids, my partner, overall my life is great – but I need to be closer to nature, this makes me calm. I don’t know what to do, what our future holds. Will our world collapse? Will we distance ourselves from each other and become living dead? What with vulnerable and poor, what with disabled and what with next generations?
So many questions, so little answers. I’m almost 40 and I don’t understand, what shall I say to my children when they will ask about their future, about being at home and not attending school. I know what to say for now, but is this will change any time soon? The world which we know, will this be that last of today’s living?
I don’t feel safe, I’m exhausted, suffocating…
” You’re the air that I breathe, you’re the sun when it breaks through the clouds
You’re all that I need, but I know that you’re having some doubts
I’m down on my knees, I’m praying you’ll stake this out
I’m begging you please girl, I’m sorry I let you down”